COUPALYPSE NOW
Tips on Evaluating Money-Saving Newspaper Items During the Late-Aughts Financial Meltdown
"Now You Can Make Romano's Macaroni Grill Restaurant Favorites At Home!" Sounds like you're shit outta luck, Romano's Macaroni Grill Restaurant! Now all I need are the key ingredients of rotten tomatoes, bong-water, and kitty litter!
I wasn't aware that Depends Underwear's slogan is "Nothing Protects You Better Except for the Ukrainian Mob!"
"Get to Sleep... Get Back to Sleep... Naturally!", advertises MidNite PM, the pill that artificially induces you to get or get back to sleep. You see, this kind of breakdown in critical reasoning is what also gets people to vote Republican.
Cards by Ellen (DeGeneres) is a good way to finally tell that special someone that you thoroughly hate them and that your relationship is beyond repair. A cartoon Ellen telling you "If you take 'Happy Birthday' and scramble the letters, you get 'Paphy Dirtahby'" should be enough to do the trick.
For some reason, Pantene is ordering me to: "Prep. Chunk. Flip. TEXTURIZE!" I don't get it! Why are you yelling at me with words I don't understand? This isn't hair boot camp! Am I going to have to eat a jelly donut while everybody else tries to get the tangles out of their hair for two hours?
Lean Cuisine, always ahead of the trends (like Alvin Toffler in Future Shock), informs us, via their authentic Sesame Chicken Nuggets, that "Self denial is so last year!" This is going to truly usher in a hedonistic age of sensuous delights!
Olive Garden introduces their new Five Cheese Stuffed Rigatoni: Cheddar, American, Cheez-Whiz, kids' Mozzarella Sticks, and Toe-Cheese. When you're here, you're part of the family that nobody likes.
La Salsa, the latest in an interminable series of cruddy Tex-Mex restaurants that only exist way out in the 'burbs, asks "Can't make it to Mexico for dinner? We'll make it for you!" I'm going in for "Random Kidnapping by Nearly Autonomous Border Druglord" Thursdays.
The Proctor & Gamble family of products would like a very lucky winner to "Experience the Beauty Secrets of the CBS Stars." Strangely enough, I don't see Peter Boyle pictured. I guess I'll have to reverse-engineer his beauty secret: be on the receiving end of several ancient Egyptian curses.
As Wilford Brimley enters his third century on Planet Earth, he has a series of personal questions for you on behalf of Liberty Medical: "Do You Have Diabetes? Are You On Medicare? Didn't You Know That Oatmeal Cures Diabetes? Oh, You Won't Read That In Any Medical Journal, The Goddamned Pharmaceutical Companies Are Covering That Shit Up! It's Big... As Big As The Conspiracy In The Movie The Firm, Which I Starred In!"
The ad for Miracle-Ear asks: "How many words are you missing...." before the words fade out, implying that people with hearing loss actually get the first part of sentences, but that you should choose your words carefully, as you will cut out within a few seconds. Incidentally, the ad shows a grandfather and his grandson on a pier. What if the lad is blathering on endlessly about the new game he got for his Nintendo DS? Believe me, it would be a blessing.